Wednesday, February 8, 2012

On missing running..

I am thankful for so much in this life - I have the most bad-ass 6 year old alive (biased, I know), the best family and friends in the world, a job I love, etc. And when looking at this scenario from a practical standpoint, I should be incredibly grateful. 

Enter the emotional bucket - an (un)healthy mix of whining, tears, and random brain firings that don't necessarily make any sense at all. I spent 45 minutes on the phone tonight doing that the kind of sobbing that leaves your face swollen for hours. Dead sexy, I know. 

When I walked out of the doctor's office last week, I was thankful that I would be able to run right up until my surgery. Which meant I didn't have to deal with my vice being ripped out from under me for at least a few more weeks. I could continue running, get up to 15-16 mile long runs, tempo runs, and all that other sweaty goodness that makes me deliriously happy. 

The reality hasn't been rainbows and puppy dogs. That test beat the crap out of me, much more so than I expected. I had 2 failed runs towards the end of last week, which left me in tears, hobbling home with a swollen leg. I've been subjected to many hours on the trainer, as well as some swimming and elliptical workouts mixed in there for good measure. 

Yes, I should be thankful I can still workout. I have the green light to stay on that bike trainer as long as I want to, so long as the leg doesn't hurt.  I can get in a lot of quality cardio, as well as piles of strength training. I should be using this time to learn to embrace other forms of cardio to get my sweat on. 

Yet all I see when I look at my inbox, or Facebook, or Twitter is running. Signing up for long races, war stories about long runs, successful track workouts, and race reports. Don't get me wrong - I am deliriously happy for everyone, and I am incredibly sincere when I say that. But I would be lying if I said it wasn't hard to read all of that, and then hopping on my trainer for the 600th hour this week. 

Being outdoors, running on those roads when there's no one around, chatting with great friends for hours on a long run, choking down Gu at hours 2 and 3 of a 20 mile run are those moments that I savor. I'm that freak that loves, loves, loves my long runs. I miss it, and of course since I can't have it, have never wanted it more than I do right now. 

In Sobfest 2012 that occurred this afternoon at the expense of my poor sister, I let out every last frustration. She listened, didn't tell me I was wrong, didn't tell me "everything's going to be okay", and just let me cry until I was completely empty. I know I have to turn a corner, and move onto the acceptance phase. I know I'll get there. I know a lot of people may think I'm being overly dramatic, or not quite understand. And that's okay too. 

I'm going to continue sweating, in whatever form I can get it right now. I'm going to try to get back on the roads when my leg fully recovers from the testing last week. And when I DO get back on those roads, I promise to savor every mile I can pound the pavement until the day I go under the knife. 

It's times when running is taken away from you that you learn to truly appreciate it the most. Right now, I'd take a bad track workout, or a sucktastic tempo run over watching a pack of happy runners bounce by from the inside of a sweaty gym. 

Happy Training Friends.. 

21 comments:

  1. Aw, I'm sorry you can't run! Nothing else can take running's place and I know how Daily Mile and twitter can make you feel like EVERYONE else is out running. I hope you feel better about it soon and running will be waiting for you when your leg is better!

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  2. Oh girl, I feel your pain through and through right now. I just posted in the FitFluential Running group about this. I feel like I'm struggling to just not be depressed right now. Yet, I have no true reason to be soooooo down. I've got my health, I can still workout, I have so much to be thankful for. But I can't run. I can't even run a mile. I will find myself just tearing up randomly about it. And yes, I get jealous of all the tweets, posts, blog posts about how many awesome miles everyone is getting in. Hell, even crappy miles I'm jealous about. I got so many great replies from my FF Running post though - mostly, don't isolate yourself from other runners, rely on your support group, and vent away to those who understand and reach out to help you. We can vent together!

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    1. You and I are in the same exact boat right now. It's hard, and even harder to be "upset" about, when there are so many things (big picture) to be thankful for. Damn emotional bucket has me on lockdown these days.. You know how to get in touch w/ me if you need to vent..

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  3. I'm so sorry you are going through this. As someone who has felt that way for a much more petty reason ("everyone's running in Boston but me"--I know, tiniest violin), sometimes you just have to stop reading that stuff for your own mental health. You are allowed to be sad about this for a little longer, I think!

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    1. I "get" the Boston thing too, trust me :) I'll turn a corner one of these days, and find my big girl pants. Thanks T!

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  4. So sorry you have to go through this, it sounds so painful (both emotionally and physically). It's so hard when we get that emotional high from all these wonderful things like running and then are forced to stop - it is a very depressing and dark time. I have been there a lot over the past year and what gets me through is family, friends and picking up a new hobby to obsess over.

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    1. It's amazing how many people HAVE gone through this -it's nice to be surrounded by people who "get it". This is just a bump in the road (albeit a seemingly large boulder right now), and I'll get to the other side. Thank you so much!

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  5. Aw friend, I have been there -- the downright jealousy of your fellow runner friends who are bounding around happy as a clam while you're unable to do the one thing that you love so much. It SUCKS. And it's totally ok to bitch and moan about your situation - even though in the grand scheme of things, your life is pretty damn good. Bitch away, cry it out until you've got nothing left. And then, pick yourself up, sweat while you can, in any shape or form that you can, and know that you will be running higher than high pretty soon - and savoring that simple thing called "being able to." You got this friend, you DO! xoxo

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    1. Thanks J..I am doing all of the bitching and crying you suggest, thankyouverymuch. And I'm getting closer to that point where I suck it up and move on. I do think it's important to be sad and pissed off for awhile, to truly appreciate the other side down the road. xoxo

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  6. Just emailed you girl, I am so sorry for what you are dealing with right now! Of course prefacing it with all the good in your life, of course running is huge for you and to NOT be able to do it absolutely sucks. XOXO

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    1. Just got your email - thank you so much.. xoxo

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  7. I was just working on a very similar post about how much running (and the ability to do so) is related to mood and overall well-being. It sucks not to be able to do what you love, and it's not trivial. Not at all. I'm super supportive of crying and cursing over this :)

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    1. Thanks E.. Its nice to have a network of people who "get it", and get just how much it sucks when running is taken away. I know to those who aren't runners, it can seem trivial. But for those of us to use it as therapy, it's soooo much more. Thank you!

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  8. I totally believe in being angry and sad as long as you need to, so let it rip, sister. I've been there and I totally get it.

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    1. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I have expected you to write your response in conversation hearts ;) xo

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  9. You have to turn that corner eventually, but on your own timeline so don't rush it. I'm thinking about you!

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    1. I'm getting there.. Slowly, but surely.. And me, rush a pity party? never! ;) Thanks A..

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  10. Hang in there!!! It is so hard to have something you love taken away from you. Have a pity party! I had about 3 a day when I couldn't run!

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  11. Hey lady!!!! Ugh. How are you doing? Whats going on this weekend, do you have the little 6 yr old? Have you checked out my blog lately...i can relate, lets talk!

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  12. So sorry your dealing with this right now. I know we all have alot to be grateful for but it doesn't mean we can't be down when something we love so much gets taken away from us temporarily.
    Hang in there!
    Jill

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